You Know You're a Redneck When......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
Annual Idiot Awards
Number One Idiot
A woman called the Emergency Poison Center very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. She was quickly reassured that ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. She was told that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag" While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the Brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot Number Seven
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Idiot Number Eight
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Why Rednecks are Not Paramedics
A couple of rednecks are out in the Tenn. woods hunting when Bubba suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . "WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker.
"I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. W hen it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node.....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis....................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Tablet...................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor..................More than one.
Urine...................Opposite of mine.
Hospital..............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Frank’s lumber mill.
More Hillbilly Medical Terms
Fibula.........A small lie.
Hangnail......What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain....Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.........A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........Cheaper than day rates.
Node............I knew it.
Outpatient......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.....A fatherhood test.
Tablet............A small table to change babies on.
Tumor............More than one.
Urine..............Opposite of mine.
You're An EXTREME Redneck If.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Two businessmen in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good; you only got two left!"
The Lesson: New Yorkers should never mess with Rednecks
Redneck's Wife Has a Baby
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of
puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train.
At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
You May Be a Taliban If....
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
Top Ten Country & Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
A redneck attended a lecture on the supernatural at the local Grange Hall. When the lecturer asked the audience how many of them believe in ghosts, 90 people raised their hands. The lecturer then asked how many of the believers had actually seen a ghost. About 40 hands went up.
"That's very interesting," said the lecturer. "Has anybody here ever talked to a ghost? About 15 hands went up. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three hands responded.
"That's amazing!," exclaimed the lecturer. "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Bubba, in the back row, hadn't been paying close attention, but raised his hand.
The lecturer takes off his glasses and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost! Tell us all about it!"
Bubba is kinda embarrassed, he hangs his head and says, "Shiiiiiiit! I thought you said a goat!"
Who Invented the Toothbrush?
If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teeth brush
Redneck Drinking Age
They raised the minimum drinking for Rednecks to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
How do you know when you're staying in a redneck motel?
Call the front desk and tell them, "I gotta leak in my sink."
If the clerk tells you to, "Go ahead," it's a redneck motel.
Why it's Hard to Solve a Redneck Murder
The DNA is all the same
More Redneck Jokes
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper fun, high-quality entertainment.
Redneck Mom's Letter To Her Son
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address 'cause the family that lived here before us took the numbers with 'em for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you asked me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home; it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
A redneck was on trial for murder and faced the electric chair if convicted. His brother spotted a redneck on the jury and offered him a $10,000 bribe if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week, but finally returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, complimented him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to vote "not guilty."
Even More Redneck Jokes
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, "Got any! I.D. ?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.
2. No changing your oil in the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.
Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)
A filthy rich Florida man invites all of his friends and neighbors to a party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. He also invites Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with all the women.
There was a 10 foot alligator in the pool and after a few hours of partying the host announced, “I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in the pool.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and Leroy was in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and the water was churning and splashing everywhere. Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, punching it and attempting to strangle it. He finally succeeded and left it floating in the water as he slowly climbed out of the pool. The onlookers were staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I guess I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' says Leroy.
The rich man says, 'I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks?'
Leroy says, 'No thanks, I don't want it.'
The host says, 'I insist on giving you something. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy declines.
Confused, the man asks him, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy says, 'What I want is the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
You might be a redneck if ....
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You've had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
And used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dinner table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Cowboy to cashier: Give me three packs of condoms, please.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.'
Always have a positive comment ready concerning your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a big gal.'
Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
Though uncomfortable, socks and shoes are required for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack and at oral sex during the reception.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Ears need to be cleaned regularly and it should be done in private using your own truck keys
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
If you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails alter the taste of finger foods.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
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